Quote of the Day: It Mattered

Don't Lose Hope27 Comments

“So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better, or that there are worse things in the world.

But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered.

I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.”

– John Green

Truth!

It doesn’t help when our pain is minimized.

When we are hurting, it is because it mattered. And the more it hurts, the more it mattered.

Pretending otherwise to make others feel better, just leaves us feeling judged and alone.

27 thoughts on “Quote of the Day: It Mattered”

  3. Oh man, I totally agree. When I’ve been there for people, and they’ve sometimes wanted to say that they shouldn’t complain about it, or that my own situation was worse at the time— my instinctive response is never to agree with that at all, and just hearing their pain is enough to know that it matters and that it’s important. It’s hard to imagine feeling otherwise about someone elses’ pain 🤷‍♂️. That’s always been one of the most hurtful/confusing things for me in those situations. I understand it better now, I guess. That kind of thing has even brought me to anger lots of times in a vulnerable situation— especially when I was younger towards family— I just couldn’t understand how they could view it otherwise. And I find that show of anger is often then used against you— used as some kind of a justification for you not being deserving of empathy in the first place… :\.

    And I agree about absolute statements that things will get better— it’s not necessarily the case at all, depending on the situation, so to start with it’s false and suspicious. Also for me it’s always meaningless without some kind of specific reason, or even better a plan, for how things will get better.

    Sorry, just blasted you with my trauma stories. Basically I agree and I do have compassion for other peoples’ responses, I’m not (too) bitter about it 😅.

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    • It’s just the worst when people hint that you have nothing to complain about. It communicates such a lack of empathy, and leaves you feeling really awful.
      I also agree that being told things will get better often sounds like empty words, because you know it might not get better! As you say, if you are to be comforted by a statement like that, it needs to tied into something concrete and specific. You need to be able to see how and why it is going to get better.
      Thanks for sharing from your experience, Robin. Have a great day!

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  4. Many who see someone else in pain, just want to help. I am one of those people, and have too often given the grieving advice—to ill effect.
    As you indicated, perhaps the best thing to do for someone—when their wounds are raw—is to simply listen with empathy, or sympathy if you can’t put yourself in their shoes.
    This is a thought provoking post !

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    • Yes, often we badly want to help and we really do not mean to get it wrong!!! If it’s someone close to us who is giving us advice, we understand their intention … but, as you say, listening and empathy are much more productive and therapeutic. Thanks for sharing from your experience, Dave.

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  8. This post mattered. I needed to read it, in order to be a better friend. It helped me to approach a difficult situation with more open compassion. Thank you.

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  12. This is an important message. But sadness and depression aren’t always the same thing. At one point in my life the only thing that kept me hanging on was to tell myself, “I won’t always feel like this.” Blessings DLH!

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  13. I agree. Sadness and depression aren’t always the same thing. Sometimes there’s an overlap but sometimes there isn’t. I’m so very glad you found the strength to hold on!!! Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

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  14. Every form of pain matters, as long as it hurt. It might not be a big deal for you but it is for somelelse, and you are right we must not diminish other people’s pain. We must learn to empathize with others. Thank you for sharing.

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