If you have experienced betrayal trauma, you know how isolating and distressing it can be. We want to offer support so you feel less alone, and more able to cope with the chaos and the pain.
You can’t blot out the memories, and erase all the scars when you’ve experienced trauma, and it’s left its mark on you.
You come to terms with it. And you learn to live with it.
And there are times when we don’t recognize ourselves. The journey is so long, and so very hard.
Yet, we can make progress; and we can start to heal. Below is a list of encouraging signs that indicate you’re slowly starting to heal:
1. You’re more aware of your triggers, and you know that you’re better at managing them now. Although they cause distress, you don’t dread them quite as much.
2. You know that that your reactions are not life-threatening. They follow a set pattern; they’ve become predictable.
3. You know that these will ease and abate eventually. You just need to be patient, and feel the different feelings.
4. You can ground yourself, and return to the present more quickly and easily today.
5. You’ve been noticing you’re triggered less frequently as well and, often, your reactions are a lot less intense.
6. Your old feelings of shame and embarrassment are also less intense, and they’re less frequent visitors.
7. You feel less stuck than you used to feel.
8. You show yourself self-kindness and self-compassion when you feel as if you’re starting to be triggered again.
9. Your feelings of self-worth, self-esteem and confidence are slowly returning to the way they were normal … although they are still lower that they used to be.
10. You’re better able to experience more positive emotions, and are starting to imagine a future that is good.
“A partner affected by intimate betrayal experiences a level of pain that is indescribable. The hurt is so profound and complex, partners often wonder if it will ever get better.” Shira Olsen
If you’ve been betrayed then you know that this is true. But why is betrayal so destructive and distressing? Why can’t we just bounce back, and move on with our live? Some reasons for this are summarized below:
1. It comes from people you trust. People you believed were trustworthy. People who had led you to believe that they were trustworthy.
2. It comes from people you have loved, taken a chance with, and made yourself vulnerable to. This is a great privilege. We don’t make ourselves vulnerable to everyone.
3. You were betrayed by someone you treated well. You gave them respect. You gave them your time. You cared about them. You sent the message that they were important and mattered to you. But they sent the message that you weren’t important, and didn’t matter to them.
4. We feel we’ve been taken advantage of. We feel that we’re the kind of people that others think it’s Ok to deceive and treat badly. Perhaps this how others see you – as someone who’s worth less, and as someone who’s not valued. This greatly undermines our sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
6. We feel we can’t trust ourselves to judge who is trustworthy – and not trustworthy – in the future. If you can’t trust yourself, and your own intuition, then who can you trust!
7. Betrayal undermines our ability to relax and trust other people in the future. At the back at our mind, there’s always this doubt: “Can I trust this person? Are they really who they seem? Will they mistreat, wound or reject me at some point down the line?” This stops us feeling safe, and destroys our peace of mind.
There’s a good chance you’ve heard of Bonnie Ware’s book: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. This was based on her work in palliative care.
The fact is, we all make choices everyday which affect the trajectory of our lives. These often feel unconscious and insignificant. And yet, over time, they become significant. They can cause us to miss out, and they can change who we become. It happens very slowly …. But it happens, all the same.
So what sorts of things did the dying regret? And what can we learn from their experience?
Regret # 1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
Some questions to ask yourself ….
“What does it mean for you to be authentic, and true to yourself?
“What exactly does that look like?” Try to be as concrete, specific, and detailed as you can.
“What do others expect of you? How is that at odds with the person you were made to be, and would like to be?”
“What is stopping you from living the life you want to live i- so you’re settling for the life others want you to live?”
“What one thing can you do today to move more in the direction of authenticity?”
Regret # 2.“I wish I hadn’t work so hard.”
Some questions to ask yourself ….
“To what extent does this apply to you?”
“Why is work so important to you?” What messages have you received from your family, friends, and society related to work and careers?
“What would happen if you chose to work less, and invest more in your hobbies, interests and relationships?”
Regret # 3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
Some questions to ask yourself ….
“How do you feel when you read that statement (Regret #3)?” Perhaps you feel uncomfortable? Anxious? Conflicted? Sad?
“Which feelings were allowed in your family/ social group, and which feelings were not allowed?”
“What are you afraid will happen if you start to express a wider range of feelings, or to express your feelings more openly?
“Are there some people it would be safe to express more emotions with? Can you list them, and say what it is about these individuals that makes them feel like ‘safe people’?”
Regret # 4. ”I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.”
Some questions to ask yourself ….
“What do you view as being the advantages of investing more in relationships? How would your life be better?”
“Who, specifically, do you regret losing touch with, or regret not spending enough time with?”
“Who has been moved to the side-lines of your life that you’d like to talk to, or see, a more of? How can you make that happen? What steps would you need to take?”
Regret # 5. “I wish I’d let myself be happier.”
Some questions to ask yourself ….
Try to imagine yourself being really happy. Paint a vivid picture in your mind’s eye.
“What would you be doing? Who you would be with? Where would you be? What kinds of thoughts would you be thinking? How exactly would you be feeling?”
“What stops you from being happy? What messages did you receive from your family, key people in your life, or from society that causes you to put a limit on your happiness?”
“What one thing can you do today in order to allow yourself to more consciously pursue happiness, and to allow yourself to relax into simply being/ feeling happy?”
“There is no reset button in life. You can’t take anything back, and you can’t undo anything. All of your actions have consequences, and the things you say and do today will have a lasting impact on the rest of your life. You have to understand that.”
Proving a negative is really difficult. And especially if he has deceived you before, and you had no idea he was cheating on you.
So how do you know if he’s gas lighting you today? Here are some things you should watch out for:
1. He starts to do unpredictable, and unexpected, things. We usually have a pretty good idea of what is normal for our partner and spouse. We know their different patterns. We know their changing moods. We know the way they act, and their likes and dislikes. This means that even a small change could sound a warning bell for us – and especially if the changes start to mount up over time.
For example, changes in how often he’s away from the home. Changes in the effort he puts into his appearance. Changes in the way he seems to use his phone today (perhaps he’s changed his password, and deletes all messages.)
However, many partners are experienced at keeping up an act, and are great at making sure you don’t know what they are doing.
Note: One in five men has a secret email account they use to hide correspondence from their partner.[1]
2. He’s over-complimentary about your appearance, sense of humour, work achievements and so on. This can happen if he’s trying to throw you off the scent, and it also makes sense if you stop and think about it. If he’s making you look great in the eyes of other people, and it stroking your ego so you feel loved and secure then it’s likely you’ll will be blind to the fact that he is cheating.
Also, if praising you is very out of character for him, then it could be a sign that you need to stay alert. However, there is always the chance that it is genuine as well. Who knows!
3. He appears to be more distant, and less interested in you. You might start to notice that he’s pulling away more, and appears to be more distant from the family in general. You might be getting the sense he doesn’t care about you. This could point to his interest being focused somewhere else. This includes a lack of interest in sex and intimacy.
However, if he’s avoidant anyway, and has generally been poor at being sensitive, caring, understanding, and empathic, you might be hard pressed to notice any change, or difference.
4. He seems to pick more fights with you. This can be driven by feelings of guilt. But sometimes straying partners are more argumentative, sensitive, ill-tempered, and quick to take offense as a ploy to create distance, and throw you off the scent. Why? It gives him an excuse to disengage, and go elsewhere.
5. He hangs out with friends who have cheated on their partner. Often, we choose friends who have similar values, or will validate our actions and the choices we have made. Of course, we can’t control our friends but it can be an indication of how he regards cheating, or pornography.
Note: Research has shown that nearly 80% of men who cheat have a close friend who cheated[2].
6. You feel unsettled and uneasy. Often, we getting a feeling in our gut when there’s something going on. And a woman’s intuition often senses when he’s lying. He may have covered his tracks well but if your instinct says “watch out” then listen to your instinct – as most often it is right. Take disconcerting feelings and suspicions seriously. You owe it to yourself to check out sinister feelings.
Sounds great, doesn’t it. And, honestly, isn’t that what we’d all love to do. But these peoples don’t go on to lay out a plan of how you can quickly to get rid of the baggage.
Because there is no easy way. It doesn’t happen “just like that”.
You’re dealing with layers in the subconscious mind.
You’re dealing with what feels like a mystery. For the reactions you have are often shocking and surprising. They seem to defy reason. They feel outside your control.
And learning what they mean, and how to heal, and then move on, is a massive exercise. It can take you years and years.
So the next time you hear something trite and superficial … Give yourself a break. And don’t pressurize yourself. You’ve probably come further that you realize right now.
And if your mind and your will want to get free, and to heal, you can trust your heart to lead you.
“As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself.”
People who’ve been deeply hurt and traumatized are, naturally, afraid of their memories.
They want to forget. They try to forget.
But the truth is, the brain isn’t good at denial.
When the feelings and emotions are pushed down and repressed, they can’t be processed, and they don’t go away. They aren’t integrated. They are lying there in wait.
And it takes a lot of energy to keep those memories down – for the past is still alive; you don’t forget the shame and pain.
So we live, day by day with a dark, gnawing sense of dread. And we feel we’ve lost control of our life, and who we.
What to do About it
“People cannot put traumatic events behind them until they are able to acknowledge what has happened, and can start to recognize the invisible demons they’re struggling with.”
To move on with our lives, we must share what we’ve gone through. How terrible it was. How traumatic it has been. We need to feel the pain. And the awful loneliness. The helplessness. The shock. And the utter disbelief.
And one we feel that we’ve been heard, and the horror has been seen, it changes us inside, and we find we start to heal.
When we’re frozen in the past, we feel trapped and paralyzed.
“I used to be someone who loved life, and believed it was possible to go for your dreams. I was a real positive thinker and a real go-getter. However, ever since I learned that my husband cheated on me, I’ve found it impossible to be that kind of person. I know it sounds negative, but I just can’t believe good things will ever happen to me again. Do you have any insights you could share?”
Let me start by saying that I’m really sorry this has happened to you. It’s not the life you wanted, and it’s not the life you deserved either. This should never have been your story.
However, I would also say that where you are right now is absolutely normal when you’ve been so deeply betrayed. Almost anyone who found themselves in your situation would find it hard to hope and dream … because … “What if it all goes wrong again?”
That is an understandable fear.
My guess is that you still have a lot of grieving to do. That you still need to spend time processing what you’ve gone through, and you still need work on slowly recovering and healing.
I would also suggest bearing the following in mind:
1. Although we all wish that bad things wouldn’t happen, the fact is there are no guarantees in life. That means it’s impossible to dodge all of life’s bullets. That’s difficult to hear, and accept … I know.
However, I would also say that – on the whole – terrible things occur less frequently than we expect them to/ or think they will.
2. When something really painful and unexpected happens, it dominates our thinking, and distorts our expectations. It affects our confidence, and how we feel, as well.
It’s easy for our life to be over-run by fear, and to find we are ruled by anxiety. That is something we should fight to overcome.
3. It is stressful to always be on high alert, and to always be waiting for the next shoes to drop. It will drive us crazy; it is truly torturous. It’s debilitating, and it drains our energy.
4. For every bad thing that happens, there are likely to be another 20 good things that happen. Of course, when we weigh the good and bad together, we might feel that one really bad thing equals 18 relatively good things. I get that.
However, over time the good usually does out weigh the bad; and knowing this is true, can help us focus on the good. So, try to notice what is good, and what goes well.
5. Although trauma and heartache can feel unbearable, in reality we usually survive, and make it through. This doesn’t have to be the end. They don’t have to wreak our life.
Also, it’s in the bad times that we tend to get in touch with hidden strengths. We find that we’re resilient. We learn what matters most. It’s also when we find out who our true friends are.
6. My guess is, there are still some really good things in your life. Some things that give life meaning. Those are worth remembering. Because … those are the things that really matter the most.
“Hope is being able to see that there is light, despite all the darkness.”
The following tools can help you navigate the murky waters of trauma:
1. First, try to figure out what your triggers are. Sometimes this is obvious (for example, being triggered by weddings, or romantic movies when your partner has been unfaithful to you.). However, we are also triggered unexpectedly as well. When that happens, it can help if you ask:
What exactly happened just before I was triggered?
What kinds of thoughts started rushing through my mind?
What was the narrative my brain created?
Is there evidence to confirm my fears?
For example, if your previous partner cheated on you, you might be triggered when you see your current partner laughing and talking with a woman from his work. That is understandable; you’re not going crazy. However, perhaps – when you think about it – you can also see that your partner is a man of integrity who, as far as you know, has never lied to you (or to any previous partners he had).
Here, the trauma from the past is keeping you on high alert. Your reaction isn’t based on what’s true today.
2. Be aware of what is happening in your body. Pause and reflect on what is happening inside you.
Are your hands and feet tingling? Are you holding your breath? Is your breathing laboured? Are you starting to sweat?
Simply being aware of what’s happening right now, can help to bring you back to the present again.
3. Focus on your breathing. One exercise that help when you are triggered is:
Breath in slowly – to a count of 4.
Breath out slowly – to a count of 6.
As you exhale, try to focus your mind on a calming statement like “Everything’s OK.”
Repeat this exercise several times, until you feel your body beginning to relax.
4. Change your environment. There is something about getting up, and going somewhere else that helps to jolt us back to the present time.
It can be getting up and going to the kitchen for a drink, or putting on your shoes and going out for a walk. This can help you focus more on sights, sounds and smells which are present in this moment, and this environment.
5. Be an outside observer of your thoughts and reactions. Describe these to yourself as you’d describe them to a friend … Like someone who is looking on and giving a report. Also, identify the story you’re creating in your mind in response to the feelings and reactions you have. For example, you might say something like:
“I am feeling terrified. I need to get away. I can’t trust this person. I must take care of myself.”
Then, notice how your feelings start to ease, and then subside.
If you can get into the habit of using these 5 tools, you will start to find the trauma is lessening its hold. You will start to feel less trapped, and more like your old self, and you’ll feel that you’re much more than “what happened to you.”
