Ask us – Sexual Betrayal: A Taboo Topic

In this post we will briefly answer a question that was asked by one of our clients. Here is today’s question:

Why is experiencing sexual betrayal such an isolating experience? It feels there is no-one who really understands. If I’d been bereaved, or in a car accident, I know that lots of people would offer me support. Why is this so different?

There could be a number of possible answers to this question. Here are a few of my thoughts on the matter …

1. Committed intimate relationships are attachment relationships. Apart from the relationship we form with our primary caregivers (usually our parents), these are the closest relationships we form.

When we enter into a committed relationship with someone, we automatically expect that person to be trustworthy, safe, reliable and honest. We expect them to love us, care for us, and be there for us.  We don’t expect them to hurt and cause us harm.

In fact, we simply cannot function, and lead a normal life, if we’re constantly assessing if our partner’s still trustworthy.

Thus, when we learn that a relative or friend has been betrayed (and sexual betrayal is a serious betrayal), it is deeply disturbing and unsettling for us.

We realize we’re no different – so we too could be deceived. This is threatening and scary – so we want to keep our distance.

In a way, this strong reaction is a form of self-protection.

2. Another factor that might play into the way people react, is a fear of the emotions that a trauma can stir up.

People can imagine how they’d feel if it was them. They can picture the strong feelings, and how they might react. Again, this is unsettling to contemplate.

Hence, the safest thing to do, is to simply walk away. This keeps things superficial, and under their control.  

Note: Sometimes our friends would like to help is, but they feel they’re at a loss. They don’t know what to say so they feel inadequate. As a result, they just say nothing, and act like nothing’s changed.

3. A third possibility relates to the fact that many have experienced a trauma in their past. Hence, our pain and trauma symptoms now remind them of their own. And they don’t want to face it. They would rather bury it. Hence, they cope with their discomfort by distancing themselves. That way, they can pretend that everything in life is fine (at least for them).

Quote of the Day

We’ve got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.

And we do.

We keep putting one step in front of another.

We keep on walking through the darkness and the pain.

We keep on going for we won’t let this defeat us.

This isn’t going to break us.

We are going to live again.

Quote of the Day

“I hope you know the world is a better place because you are in it.”

Read that sentence again. Do you believe it is true?

I know it can be hard to believe that for ourselves. Especially when we’re hurting, and we’re battling despair.

But those words above – they are absolutely true.

– Right now, I want you to think of 5 people who’s lives have been enriched because you’ve been their parent, friend, sister, daughter, colleague, and so on.

– Next, I want you to think of 5 thoughtful things you’ve done to improve the life of someone else.

– Finally, I want you to imagine someone who really knows and cares about you is writing an obituary for you. What would they say? What would they highlight?

Your life matters.

You matter.

The world is a more beautiful place because you are in it.

Ask Us – Feelings of Shame

In this post we will briefly answer a question that was asked by one of our clients.

Here’s today’s question …

“Why do I struggle with shame over my partner’s betrayal? He was the one who broke his promises, yet I feel completely worthless and ashamed. Why is that?”

There could be a number of answers to this question. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Think about bullying, or abuse in general. When we’re singled out for some kind of mistreatment, we pick up the message “I am not worth treating well.” (Note: You are worth treating well but this is the faulty message we believe in response to being mistreated.) That message is especially powerful if it comes from someone very close to us – like a parent or spouse.

2. If we think highly of someone, and their attention or approval means something to us, then we treat them with great respect and care. Think of the way royalty, celebrities or CEOS are treated.

In contrast, if we are ignored or treated badly, we feel that we don’t matter. That we’re not important. That we’re not worth respecting or caring about.  

3. We honour our partner by being faithful to them, and treating them as someone who is special to us. After all, we’ve deliberately chosen to enter into a exclusive relationship with them, and them alone.

Hence, when our partner betrays us, it communicates the message “You’re not really that special after all. I don’t just want to have sex with you”. Hence, we feel inadequate, as if we have failed, as if we are faulty, and not worthy of love (and not certainly not exclusivity).

This affects our self-esteem, and our identity. Here’s what Brene Brown has to say about shame:

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling, or experience, of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

Note: You could substitute faithfulness for connection, here.

If you have been betrayed by your partner or spouse, then this sense of shame is absolutely not deserved. You need to resist it with all your might.

Don’t let the lies become your own beliefs.

Don’t let that person define your worth.   

“Know your worth. Know what you deserve. Don’t ask for it. State it.”

It all Comes Down to Fate. Or Does It?

Facing a fate we cannot change, we are called to make the best of it by rising above ourselves and growing beyond ourselves.”

― Viktor Frankl

We think that we are free, that we decide our destiny. We think that we’re in charge, that we’re the author of our lives.

To some extent we are.

And to some extent we aren’t.

Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who penned the words above, was sent (as a young man) to several concentration camps. I can’t imagine this was in his plan for his life.

And yet that is where Viktor Frankl found himself.

Bringing it Closer to Home

I wonder what you’d wanted, and expected for your life.

I wondered what then happened. What derailed you from that course.

Who ripped up all your plans, the plans you’d carefully designed? The plans your dreams had fashioned. Normal – reasonable – good plans.

What Next?

We know the holocaust survivors suffered from PTSD.

Your life is changed for ever when you’re traumatized like that.

You’re psyche bears the scars. Those wounds – perhaps they never heal.

You don’t ‘put that behind you’ and pick up your hopes and dreams.

And yet ….

And yet …

There still are those who flourished.

Yes, of course, they needed help. They needed to be heard. Their story witnessed. Awful things!

They needed other people to be horrified like them. To understand their suffering.

The injustice of it all.

But …

They needed to believe they could embrace their life again.

To not let this define. Steal their future. Everything.

What about You?

It isn’t always over when we’re deeply traumatized.

It feels like life has ended – there’s no question about that.

But maybe you can work through all the pain and suffering. Pick up the broken pieces and design a different life.    

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

― Harley Davidson

Eureka?

Everyone has heard of the word eureka. That sudden, unexpected insight into a tough problem.

Finding the solution that has always seemed elusive. The magic missing piece that changes how we look at things.  

Eureka’s been attributed to Archimedes, a leading scientist in classical antiquity. But did you also know Eureka’s California’s motto? I guess they used to shout it when the diggers found some gold.

An Aha! moment

In daily life, we often talk about an Aha! moment. That wonderful experience when the scales fall from our eyes. The lightbulb flashes on and what was murky fog, or darkness, now suddenly makes sense and seems quite clear and obvious.

The Brain and Trauma

Our brain is changed by trauma. We become a different person. We’re on a roller coaster and we’re triggered constantly. We struggle with anxiety. Our sleep is often broken. We’re always sensing danger, and we’re hypervigilant.

We find it hard to trust, and we feel lost and isolated. We cannot trust our judgment, and we think we’ll be deceived. Our self-esteem’s been damaged and we think we have no value.

We’ve lost our map and compass for a balanced, normal life.

Is There an Answer or a Remedy?

I wish there was an answer, a straightforward quick solution. A sharp click of the fingers. A eureka, Aha! moment.

Yes, there are bursts of insight, and occasional moves forward. But often we feel stuck, and thus unable to move on.

Coming Face-to-Face with Reality

The fact is, Aha! moments are unusual and uncommon.

But you can make real progress, and recover over time.

It takes great perseverance – but it’s worth the work and effort.

For bit by you’ll start to heal, and find yourself again.

“Recovery is a process. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes everything you’ve got.”    

Encouragement

You are not meant to stay broken and wounded.

Yes, life is a battle and we all bear the scars.

But just like the body is designed to heal itself, inside you are fierce, and resilient, and strong.

Don’t ever forget that.

Your warrior spirit, and the fire in your heart, will enable you to stand, and to push through the pain.

Remind yourself of this.

You must remember who you are.

You’re stronger than you think when the darkness closes in.

Boundaries 101

“She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life.”

When your partner is battling a sex addiction, establishing boundaries is absolutely crucial. They are not going to silence all your doubts and fears, but they do give a sense of accountability. They are a fundamental part of re-establishing some trust (although, let’s be honest, that’s going to take years).

Essentially, boundaries are important as they help protect our relationships from becoming unsafe.

So, what might boundaries look like to you?

– Insisting that your partner or spouse regularly sees a counsellor

– Insisting that your partner or spouse has an accountability partner

– Insisting that you are the person who has administrative rights for the family computer

– Having all the passwords to your partner or spouse’s laptop, phone and devices

– Having your partner or spouse remove all dating apps from their ipad and phone, and insisting he deletes any accounts with companies like sex.com or Ashley Maddison

– Insisting you have the freedom to check your partner or spouse’s messages and texts anytime you want

– Having access to all his bank accounts – and going through statements together each month

– Going through credit card statements together each month

– Having your partner or spouse be accountable for his time – so you know where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing, anytime you are apart

– Requiring your partner or spouse to break off all contact with anyone he has had a previous relationship with

– Requiring your partner or spouse to tell you if someone from a previous relationship ever tries to contact him.

Some of these suggestions might seem a bit extreme, but it all comes down to your peace of mind. And there are other boundaries you might want to put in place, specific to your relationship. (These different boundaries might change as time goes on.)

Don’t hesitate to ask for what you want.

Boundaries are crucial. They are at the heart of every healthy relationship.”

Only the Strong


Now every time I witness a strong person, I want to know: What darkness did you conquer in your story? Mountains do not rise without earthquakes.”

– What darkness have you experienced that has changed you in significant ways?

– How did it change you?

– What lessons (good and bad) have you learned?

– How has it made you a stronger person?

Quote of the Day

When you convince yourself that it is okay for someone to decide who you are, you open the floodgates to powerlessness and worthlessness.” – Iyanla Vanzant

Don’t do that. Don’t let anyone else determine your value and worth.