What might boundaries look like to you?

Don't Lose Hope17 Comments

“She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life.”

If you are recovering from betrayal trauma, there are boundaries you will want to put in place. So what might boundaries look like to you? Some suggestions include the following:

  • Having your partner or spouse see a counsellor or therapist?
  • Requiring your partner or spouse to have an accountability partner?
  • You being the one who has administrative rights for the family computer?
  • Having all the passwords to his laptop, phone and devices?
  • Having him remove all dating apps and close down any accounts he has with companies like Ashley Maddison or sex.com?
  • Being able to check messages and texts anytime you want?
  • Having access to all bank accounts – and going through statements together regularly?
  • Going through credit card statements together each month?
  • Having him accountable for his time so you know where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing, anytime you are apart?
  • Having him break all contact with (including ‘unfriending’ on social media) anyone he has had a relationship with (while in a committed relationship with you)?
  • Asking that he tell you if someone from a previous illicit relationship ever tries to contact him again?

They are other boundaries you might want to think about. Some boundaries specific to your relationship.

Also, these boundaries might change as time goes by.

The important thing is – you absolutely need to feel safe. Otherwise a secure trust can never be rebuilt.

So don’t be hesitant to ask for what you want. Having boundaries is crucial when you have been betrayed.

“Boundaries are crucial. They are at the heart of every healthy relationships.”

17 thoughts on “What might boundaries look like to you?”

  1. Some of these boundaries are heartbreaking to read. In the sense that I do not believe that any spouse should have to go through all that – to even have to consider bank accounts web history social media etc. But maybe I am naive. I believe in complete trust within a committed relationship, and I would trust my husband completely. I would not rob him of the fullness of my heart with traces of suspicion or fear to corrupt my interactions, affection, and how much of myself I give to him. Because when I love, I love completely, recklessly, and unconditionally. Which is why the standard is so high for the one I choose to begin with I guess. Or maybe my idealistic position is because I am not naive… because I have been betrayed so horribly in the past is the reason for my high standard – both of myself and him.

    If my new spouse of my dreams has had a history of betrayal, I would commit my energies, my time, my all, to help him recover from trauma betrayal through my adherence to his boundaries and going above and beyond to show my commitment to him and only him. Because I understand that Yes there is safety in boundaries…

    My standards are extremely high. For the both of us… For a relationship of trust, respect, honor, and security… a relationship that is nothing short of miraculous.

    💖 This is what boundaries look like to me…

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    • I’m glad you have that security. It is a great place to be. Unfortunately some people are in relationships where a spouse has a sex addiction, or a spouse has deliberately deceived and betrayed them over years, maybe decades. If they choose to stay with that person, boundaries may be necessary to feel safe … and even be safe 😦

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      • I am fortunate to have been able to establish the ultimate boundary of divorce and disconnection this year with my ex-husband who had a really big sex addiction.

        If I were to discover in the future that my new partner had a sex addiction, boundaries I would include would be of course therapy – both individual and couples, some kind of accountability and commitment to addressing the underlying issues beneath the addiction. He would need to be willing to be completely honest with me. Taking an inventory of the kinds of male friends he has in his life, whether they are good influences, supportive, or promoters of the wandering… Surround himself with men who build up and show him there is another way. There are so many things we could do so long as we are committed to each other and towards healing! 🙂 But my boundaries would be geared towards recovery and healing not punishment and control. Because he would already have my heart as my partner. And I know that love heals…

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      • I’d just note that the boundaries in the post have nothing to do with punishment or control of the addict. (That leans into the well debunked codependency theory.) They’re perfectly normal boundaries in the wake of betrayal trauma from a sex addicted spouse. Are they to be used eternally? Hopefully not, but in the shorter term they are intended to provide the partner with much needed safety and security.

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      • Yes that is a very important point! Thank you for bringing this up. It is important that this distinction be made between what the post is saying and my response. I was sharing my own personal experience, not trying to say this post said or alluded to boundaries being used as or confused with punishment/control of the addict. My betrayal experience was so gut wrenching and devastating for me and my health😟

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      • This is a cool discussion thread and article. I thought about this and my boundaries are very simple: 100% commitment to truth, openness, honesty, and authenticity towards oneness as God intended. No mind reading. No games. No manipulation. No guessing. Freedom to speak and be heard in the safety of mutual empathy, compassion, commitment, and love. Listen with an open ear. Communication. Confess past sins done against the other, with equal commitment to work on and through it and move forward. Look forward not backwards and talk things through don’t hold on to old hurts and mistreat the other… Each taking responsibility for themselves and their actions both good and bad. If both are committed, dedicated and honest, there would be almost no problems. The addict should be proactive in taking steps to show and prove his recovery towards trustworthy, not the victim

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  5. It’s sad, but once you’ve been betrayed, you must set stricter boundaries than before because once trust is broken, it’s hard to repair. Boundaries are a good think and we should all set them, otherwise, we’d live a life on autopilot and be blown around like a leaf in the wind. This is a very informative post. Thank you for posting.

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