Beautiful You

“The quality of your relationships will determine the quality of your life.”

If your life has been blown apart by betrayal, then you’ll know for a fact that this quote is true. You’ve been hit with a sledge hammer by the person you loved most. Now your world lies in tatters, and you’re living in a daze.

And, of course, this relationship is massively important. It would be foolish to downplay its significance. But even more important than your partner or spouse, is the relationship you have with yourself at this time. This is the relationship you need to focus on.

For example, betrayal rips to shreds our self-image and self-worth so it’s easy to lose touch with the person we once were.

But, inside you’re the same woman. You’re still smart and beautiful. You can integrate the fragments, and reconnect with her.

And, honestly, it’s crucial, that you do this for yourself.

How do You do That?

Working through the following questions can help you with this process.

1. How has betrayal changed the way you see yourself?
2. What do you say about yourself – because of this?
3. How do you feel about yourself right now?
4. How do you think other people see you?
5. What did you think your future would be like?
6. What do you believe about your future today?
7. How would your best friend describe you as a person?
8. What have you accomplished or achieved in your life? What do you like most about yourself?
9. If you could wave a magic wand, and be completely healed, how would you be acting? What would your life look like?
10. Close your eyes for a minute. Try to picture this life. Stay with the image. Let it come into sharp focus. How are you feeling as you picture this strong woman, a woman who is happy and confident again?

“Instead of saying: ‘I’m damaged, I’m broken, I have trust issues’ say: ‘I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.’ Positive self-talk.”

Are We There Yet?

One of the awful things about betrayal trauma is it feels like the symptoms just never go away.

They plague you in the night-time and they interrupt your sleep.

Your heart is pounding loudly and you find it hard to breathe.

The sweat is pouring off you and you’re shaking like a leaf.

Your mind and thoughts are screaming – God, I need to find relief.

And that’s just the night terrors.

Days are filled with landmines too.

Who knows what triggers wait us.

There’ll be something, that’s for sure.

Yes, there’s breathing exercises, and some talking therapy.

And there’s always meditation – if you’re able to do that.

At times these can be useful. But recovery is slow.

You’re living in a time warp.

It’s a long and torturous road.

Quote of the Day

This is why it came as such a shock:

He was hiding secrets from you.

Little secrets you never knew.

Little secrets that grew and grew.

Little secrets that became big lies.

A web of deception that took over his life.

The Knock on Effect of COVID-19

I normally write for the spouses and partners of those who struggle with a sex addiction. However, I wanted to highlight a post that was shared this morning by Joshua Shea recoveringpornaddict.com  It’s very realistic and practical.

Usually, an addiction first takes hold when we’re bored, at a loose end, when we’re feeling a bit down, or when we’re anxious about things. Hence, we’re looking for distractions that will help us pass the time … maybe lift our mood a bit … and take the edge off feeling blah.

So, with continents of people stuck at home and out of work, away from their routine, and cut off from all their friends, it is likely that more people will use pornography. I think we must accept that this will likely be the case. And it means a lot more people will become addicted, too.

Also, this doesn’t bode so well for people fighting the addiction. They’re in their homes alone, with powerful triggers everywhere. This is going to make the struggle very difficult for them.

Perhaps there’s little we can do. This situation is unique. But we need to be aware of the real dangers that exist. If you’re partner’s been addicted maybe talk this through with them. It’s much better to be honest and face this thing head on. It could make all the difference to your relationship.

Lest we Forget

Remember when you fell in love? Remember how it felt? It all was so exciting when you turned that crisp first page.

Remember how you dreamed of how your future would unfold. The life you’d build together, adding chapters through the years.

Remember all the fun times – and banal times – you went through. The photographs you added; all those family memories.

Remember, then, what happened. How your life forever changed. The news that pierced your heart and left your world in broken shards.

Remember the confusion, the deep anguish, and the shock. The fairy tale was over, and the future was a fog.

But …

Remember how you worked to redesign your shattered life. To start again, recover, and get stronger over time.

You cleaned up all the carnage, dealt with triggers and landmines. You processed your emotions, and you gave love one more chance.

And, yes, your life is better and you’re at a different stage. You look like you’ve recovered – but it’s hard to trust again.

We wish we could forget things. Pull the thorns out of our hearts. Erase the deep betrayals. Start afresh. Expunge the past.

But memory won’t allow that. Self-protection over-rides. We may believe they’re different, and will never stray again.

Yet, still there is a wince, a hesitation, or a sigh. Our mind says: “Look, forget it”, but our instinct warns: “Watch out!”

Perhaps the day will come when we are now completely free. When memories won’t affect us, and there’s no anxiety. I’d love if that could happen, and the armour could come off.

But maybe it’s a pipe dream, and we’ll always be on guard.

That Never Happened

Primo Levi was a chemist, and Italian Jew, who was sent to Auschwitz – yet survived the Holocaust. He eventually was able to return to his home town where he thought that he’d be greeted with concern and sympathy. Indeed, when he arrived back in Turin after the war came to an end, the people gathered round him, and they stared and shook their heads. They asked him what had happened? What on earth had he been through? He looked emancipated. He was weak, and close to death.

Yet, when Levi shared the facts about the horrors he had seen, the terror of the death camps, and the inhumanity, the people turned their backs and, one by one, they walked away.

Why? The truth was too distressing. They just couldn’t take it in. They simply couldn’t process and accept what they had heard.

So, Levi now was left to bear the trauma all alone. He felt lost and forsaken for his suffering was extreme. Yet, no one there would listen; no one seemed to really care. It was like it hadn’t happened – like the truth was just a dream.

If you’ve experienced a trauma, then this likely resonates. Of course, it’s not the death camps but it’s like a mini death. Yet, often we’re abandoned by the people who should help. They can’t deal with what’s happened, so they turn and walk away. This leaves us isolated. We’re abandoned in our grief. We try to act like normal – for the topic is taboo.

But … You can’t ignore a trauma for it eats away at you. The pain remains inside you; it wreaks havoc with your life.

Levi found his own solution – for he started noting down the fragments he remembered from the years in the death camps. He wrote things on old tickets, on discarded bit and scraps. In time, these were collated and they formed a manuscript: his first published book, If this is a Man.

I’m pretty sure this process helped preserve his sanity. We need our anguish witnessed and acknowledged in some way. We need to tell our story. All that pain must be released. For Levi, this was freeing.

Has your story been heard, too?

Coping Statements for Anxiety

When you’ve experienced betrayal you’re on constant high alert. And it’s easy to be triggered, and be swamped by anxious feelings.

This is likely to be heightened when the country is in lock down. You feel like a trapped rabbit who has few, if any, options.

But one thing you can try – apart from focusing on breathing – is working on your thinking when it’s faulty or irrational.

For example, when you start to feel distressed it might be helpful if you say:

1. I’m going to be OK. Sometimes feelings are irrational. I’ve coped with them before, and I can cope with them again.
2. Anxiety feels awful bad but it isn’t dangerous. I know the symptoms are intense – but there’s nothing wrong with me.
3. Feelings come and go. This is only temporary. If I sit it out and wait, then the feelings will subside.
4. This image in my head isn’t really accurate. I need to change my thinking so it’s healthy and more balanced. For example _____________.
5. Feeling anxious is a habit – and a habit I can break. I can interrupt my thinking, so I don’t just spiral downwards.
6.  The world’s not going to end – even though it feels disastrous.
7. Don’t think about the future. Take it one step at a time.
8. Don’t listen to your feelings. You are stronger than you feel.