Can’t Say; Won’t Say

“Sometimes you just have to stay silent because words can’t express what you’re going through.

And that’s OK.”

There are times when words are inadequate.

How do you sum up what you’re going through?

There are so many losses. The grief extends so far.

The pain is so profound. And it goes on for so long.

There are unexpected triggers. There are ripples everywhere.

It’s unsightly, and it’s messy.

There is no way to describe it.

And there’s no way you can fit it into some tidy box.

So there’s no point even trying. It’s a force unto itself.

You just have to push on through it.

Keep on going.  Step by step.  

It is too hard to explain things.

Words are useless anyway!

Signs you are Healing from Trauma

Signs you are healing from trauma include:

1. You are able to acknowledge that you’ve been through something totally life-changing. Something that has shaken up your world. There’s no denial or playing things down.

2. You allow yourself to feel ALL the feelings. This includes the intense, negative, and scary ones. You don’t pretend that you’re OK, or use positive thinking to bypass your unwanted and negative emotions.

3. You accept support. From counsellors, therapists, doctors, or close friends. You know this is too big, and you can’t do it alone. Being traumatized is different from dealing with tough things. It’s a different beast entirely. And a very scary one.

4. You consciously nurture your body and mind. Your autonomic nervous system has been stuck on over-drive. Hence, you know you really need to pay attention to your health. So you rest when you can and you make time for exercise. You eat a healthy diet, and seek medial advice for any side effects of the traumatic response. You also have slowed down, and are skilled at saying ‘no’. You recognize your limits, and have healthy boundaries.

5. You accept that it’s OK to not be OK. You now understand the nature of trauma, grief and loss – which comes in powerful waves, and often unexpectedly. And you’ve accepted the hard truth that this is how it’s going to be – and that healing will take time, and it will follow its own course.

6.  You know you’re not alone. This is a shared experience. There are others in the world who have experienced this as well. They’ve experienced the same symptoms; they’ve reacted similarly.  But you know that they’ve survived … which means that you can survive too.

7. You don’t need to hide the truth; you have worked through the sense of shame. You accept this is your story. One that others wrote for you. But you can hold your head up high, for this says nothing about you – except that you’ve survived, and you’re courageous, brave, and strong.  

That is, you’re not some powerless victim. You have taken back your life.    

Real healing is hard, exhausting, and draining. Let yourself go through it. Don’t try to paint it as anything other than it is. Be there for yourself. With no judgment.”  

How Secrets and Lies Affect a Partner or Spouse

When trust has been shattered and you’re in a state of shock, you may not recognize the person you’ve become.

This doesn’t mean you’re crazy, or you’ve lost your mind.

In fact, the following reactions are all completely normal for someone who’s experienced betrayal, or a trauma:

  • Experiencing a roller coaster of emotions
  • Being triggered frequently and unexpectedly
  • Experiencing irrational and extreme thoughts and reactions
  • Struggling with rage and intense feelings of anger
  • Crying all the time – often uncontrollably
  • Having the desire to make your partner pay
  • Wanting absolutely nothing to do with your partner
  • Suddenly wanting to have sex with your partner
  • Being terrified of losing your partner
  • Being afraid of a future without your partner
  • Battling self-hatred and intense feelings of shame
  • Having very low self-worth and self-esteem
  • Completely losing your sense of confidence
  • Hating your body and the way you look/ feeling unattractive and ugly all the time
  • Feeling rejected, unwanted and alone
  • Wanting to self-harm, or having suicidal thoughts
  • Being anxious, worried and afraid of everything
  • Experiencing anxiety and panic attacks
  • Obsessing over what has happened/ what might have happened/ and what could happen in the future
  • Desperately wanting to find out all you can about your partner, and their secret life
  • Never being sure you know everything/ thinking you will never know everything
  • Wanting to withdraw from people and life
  • Experiencing a numbing of all emotions (both positive and negative)
  • Being unable concentrate, focus, and to think clearly and rationally
  • Being unable to plan and to make decisions
  • Feeling utterly confused / uncertain about who your partner was
  • Believing the life you shared together was a lie
  • Feeling confused and uncertain about what you want for yourself (both in the present, and related to the future)
  • Living with insomnia, broken sleep and night terrors
  • Feeling unable (and also unwilling) to trust anyone and anything.

For now, accept these feelings and be gentle with yourself. This is part of processing betrayal trauma. In time, these will ease, and you’ll find yourself again. But for now, make self-care your top priority.

Be Nice to Yourself

“Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when someone is being mean to you all the time.” – Christine Arylo

In case this is something that you need to hear today … Remember to be nice, and speak kindly, to yourself.

Yes, you’ve made some mistake. Yes, it’s true you aren’t perfect.

There are things you could do better. You could make a greater effort.

But the fact is, you still try – despite everything you’re facing.

All the heartache and the struggles

The dark memories and the triggers.

That is no small feat at all.

It’s been awful – yet you’ve tried.

You should show yourself compassion.

Please be nice to yourself.  

It’s Ok that you’re not OK

“Here’s what I most want you to know: this really is as bad as you think.

No matter what anyone else says, this sucks. What has happened cannot be made right. What is lost cannot be restored. There is no beauty here inside this central fact.

Acknowledgement is everything.

You’re in pain. It can’t be made better.

The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of.

You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief. To acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring in the hole that was your life.

Something cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” – Megan Divine

Why Victims of Abuse Don’t Leave Immediately

When we hear the stories of victims of abuse, we also hear comments like: “Why did she stay? Why on earth did she put up with that level of abuse?”

As if the situation wasn’t really complicated.     

So why do victims stay; why don’t they leave immediately? There are many different reasons – but the key ones include:

1. What’s happening doesn’t match their definition of abuse: Think about some statements like the following:

“He was yelling at me, and throwing things around the room. But he never, ever laid a finger on me.”

“He didn’t hit or harm me. He was just restraining me. He was blocking the door so I couldn’t get away.”    

“It only happened a few times. I wouldn’t say it was a pattern.”

“I was being unreasonable so it was my fault, too.”

“I didn’t know, that as a wife, I could say no to sex.”

Comments like these point to a lack of information, or to a lack of knowledge, around what is abuse. Also, the person may have grown up in a family or culture where these types of behaviours had been normalized – so the person doesn’t realize that they’re being abused.

2. It escalates slowly. Few people are abusive when they’re on the first few dates. And often the abuser is a charismatic person.  They make you feel you’re special, that you’re wonderful, and loved. So, the switch is unexpected, and it comes out of the blue – and you tend to write it off as being ‘out of character’. Furthermore, they appear to be remorseful, and are shocked at what they’ve done.

This is usually how it starts … and from there it escalates.

3. You internalize the message that you’re flawed, inadequate, and deserve to be mistreated – for you aren’t good enough. When you caught up in gaslighting, you can’t judge realty. You question everything – and that includes your sanity.

Also, you’ve been attacked, humiliated, mocked, and treated like you’re trash. Your self-esteem’s demolished, and you struggle with self-worth. That is, you’ve internalized the messages and lies that you’ve been told, such as:

“No-one else would want you, or love you, anyway. You’re ugly … Stupid … Boring … And a useless parent, too.”

4. It’s not always bad. And during those few times when the abuser’s being ‘normal’, your life can almost feel like an amazing fairy tale. The abuser can be charming, and can treat you really well. You can feel like you’re a princess – with the gifts and holidays. First class travel. Lavish restaurants. Gorgeous outfits. Jewelry.

Then he switches – and life changes – and the demons reappear.

5. You are absolutely terrified of what they might do (if you ever break the silence, and you choose to walk away). You’ve seen the other side of them, and know what they can do. Of course you are afraid … both for your kids, and for yourself.

You know they wouldn’t hesitate to do the following: destroy your reputation; spread malicious, evil lies; distort and reveal secrets; destroy close relationships.

It all comes down to power, and them ruining your life. Hence, it takes a lot of courage to decide to walk away.

You are caught in a hard place, where all the choices feel unsafe. Remaining may be risky – but it’s dangerous to leave.     

What can we do with those lost hopes and dreams?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams.

In fact, it could be argued that having hopes and dreams is really necessary for living a full life.

They help to give life meaning. They generate new hope. A hope that gives us purpose. Something to work towards.

So when we’re hit with losses, and all our dreams dissolve, we don’t just snapped our fingers and move on with our lives.

It leaves a massive hole and a raw wound that spurts out blood. We feel bereft and empty. And the pain’s intolerable.

We need to mourn these losses, and not diminish them.

These dreams – they were important. And now they’re ripped to shreds.

What is” feels very different from how things should have been.

It’s not what we expected.

It’s right that we should grieve.

Grieving is dreaming in reverse.”

The Journey Through Grief

 

“Grief…is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pops back up when you least expect it.” – Lemony Snicket

I wonder if this has been your experience?

You think you’re moving on. Life is on an even keel. You’ve done a lot of work, and the trauma is receding. The nights are so much better. You’re not triggered quite as much. Sometimes you feel you’re normal. What an unexpected thing!

And then you hit some roadblock, and you’re right back at square one. You’re living in some time warp where the trauma feels so real. Now all the buried memories are resurfacing again. You thought this was behind you. Will you never, ever heal?

This happens to us all. There are many layers to grieving. We often do not realize the extent of all that damage.

But every time this happens, and we give ourselves permission to mourn and grieve our losses, we will heal a little more.

So do not be discouraged. Just stay with it. Feel the feelings. Your mind knows what it’s doing. You can trust the healing process.     

And one day you’ll look back, and you’ll see that things are different. The past has lost its power – though the memories still remain.  

Thoughts on Life and Relationships

When I was younger, I believed that people were basically kind, and caring and good.

I believe that people were reliable. That they could be trusted. That their word was their bond.

I believed that if someone told me they loved me, then they meant what they said, and they really did.

I believed that if I did the right things for others, then they would be good to me in return.

I believed in people.

I believed so much.

But as I grew older that began to change.

Perhaps it is good that I now know the truth.

But I miss that rose-tinted reality.

Five Dos and Don’ts for Betrayed Partners

Do

1. Make sure you get tested for STDs. Betraying partners can be careless about sex. Don’t take a risk with your own sexual health – even if they tell you it all happened on online. Perhaps it did; but perhaps it didn’t. How do you know that they’re telling you the truth?

2. Research your legal rights, even if you think you’ll stay. You might find you change your mind later on. One day you might decide that you want to want to walk away. So investigate your rights related to your money, joint possessions, shared property, and access to the children.   

3. Find out all you can about betrayal trauma. This includes normal feelings, thoughts and reactions (including physiological responses and triggers).  Also, understand the need to grieve, and allow yourself to grieve.

4. Trust your feelings and your gut reactions. If you think your partner is withholding information, or is gaslighting you, or is deceiving you then trust your intuitions; they are likely accurate.

5. Get help from a professional. You are dealing with a crisis, and you need proper support from someone who can walk you a crisis situation. Make sure you speak to someone who has specific training in trauma, betrayal trauma or sex addiction (depending on your personal needs and situation).

Don’t

1. Don’t take the blame; this was not your fault. Your partner chose to stray, and to break their commitment. You did nothing to deserve this. You are not responsible. Don’t accept any comments like: “It’s because you’ve put on weight; it’s because you’re not adventurous, or responsive enough; or it’s because you’re too busy, or involved with the kids.” These are all ways of deflecting the blame.  Don’t listen to this garbage. It was never about you.

2. Don’t make permanent decisions at this time. You can’t think straight when you’re in a state of shock. Also, you might not have all the information yet. It’s better to wait until your feelings stabilize, and you can rationally think through all the pros and cons of maintaining, or ending, the relationship. Most professionals recommend waiting six months to a year.

3. Don’t use sex to get close to your partner, or to ease the emotional pain you will be feeling. Sex should be rooted and grounded in trust. And trust has been betrayed so you won’t feel safe right now. Also, even though it might feel good, it’s a temporary fix; and it may confuse the issue, and decision-making process.

4. Don’t make idle threats that you will not carry out. If you set an ultimatum, then you need to carry through. If you don’t, you will weaken your credibility. Consequences are important – but don’t make them too extreme unless you have decided that you’ll never change your mind. This is something to discuss and explore in counselling.     

5. Don’t bury your head in the sand. For now, you can’t take anything they say at face value. They might say they have changed – but mere words are meaningless. You need to watch their actions, and observe them carefully. You might wish that things were different – but you need to stay alert. Also, if your partner is addicted this will not just disappear.  An addiction’s hard to break, and requires professional help.