What, You Too? I Thought I Was The Only One

friendship is born

I usually find statistics a bit of a turn-off. They just feel too impersonal and detached to me. But I read these figures[1] in a blog recently and I felt they really captured how betrayal impacts us.

In summary, the statistics reveal that:

  • 75% of betrayed partners feel indescribable fear – This is a sudden gripping fear in the pit of your stomach; being overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety; being wakened by night terrors, or adrenalin rushes, and being hit by thoughts or images that seem to come from nowhere. This is frequently a symptom of PTSD.
  • 85% of partners have feelings of being helpless – They don’t feel they’re in control, or they can change their situation. Bad things are going to happen, no matter what they do. They feel they have no power, that their life and destiny are in the hands of others, and especially their partner’s. This may appear illogical or foolish to onlookers; but it debilitates the partner and it kills their will to fight.   Why do we feel so helpless? You’ve been lied to and deceived, and told to doubt our intuitions (gaslighting). We know can’t do anything to make our spouse be faithful. And even if looks as if they really want to change, we know it might not last – so we could be at risk again.
  • 62% of betrayed partners relive the traumatic memory of what their partner has done – This is disturbing and distressing, and it resurrects the pain – for you’re transported back in time to when you first learned of betrayal. You experience the same horror, the same shock and disbelief, the physical reactions and, perhaps, dissociation. You also feel abandoned and utterly alone.

The research also indicates that many of the spouses will experience these symptoms for years – not weeks or months. They are unwanted reactions that are common to most partners. They don’t mean you are crazy – they mean you’re traumatized.

So welcome to the club. Take a seat. We understand.

[1] These statistics can be found in addorecovery.com


18 thoughts on “What, You Too? I Thought I Was The Only One

  1. Hmmm yes it’s mostly relatable, but with parents instead of spouse. Thanks for this! Any small amount of contact I have to have with or even about any of my parents at the moment, completely takes me back to the trauma, and I get as depressed and angry as I was at the time. It’s scary, I become a different person.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. This has similar symptoms like PTSD.

    Fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts proliferate

    Our Egos feel betrayed and damaged

    My trauma came from my dad.

    I healed not thinking about him, but exploring my inner world.

    People fail us at times, letting the hurt go is not easy but necessary

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, Marty. Thanks for commenting. As you say, these are symptoms of PTSD. People who have experienced betrayal trauma almost always experience PTSD. I’m so sorry you experienced this in your family. That should never have happened. Our families should created a safe place for us where we feel wanted, valued, loved and secure. Recovery from PTSD is most definitely tough and slow – but I’m glad you’re on that journey and are so committed to healing.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I have healed or increased my wellbeing enormously

        My symptoms reappeared when a prescription med ignited my nervous system

        My fight or flight does not fire now and life is more calm and enjoyable

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Thanks for sharing the source. My husband is in that program, and he has learned a lot. It’s about recovery, and there’s a weekly meeting (live web video) but there are many videos/lectures which provide good info on that site. The companion to Addo is Bloom (for women). I joined the free part of the site and there are great resources there for betrayed partners, too, at no cost. You can pick/choose what topic you are interested in as well. Just thought I’d mention it here as you may have some followers who’d be interested, it’s no-cost, and it’s reliable, solid information. I have never tried the on-line group there as I tend to get triggered by people new to this process. They need to talk about their trauma (I get it), but I have to take care of myself. I do have a few women I can talk to, that I used to be in a group with, and that’s helpful.

    Hope it’s okay to share this info here. I really like the C.S. Lewis quote. Thanks.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s great beleeme. Thanks for sharing the information, and for sharing your connection to it!! It’s always good to point people in the direction of helpful resources, I’m glad you’ve found so much that was of use to you personally.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally agree, Robin! It’s a form of PTSD and it can happen when you’re betrayed. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Know that you’ve got friends here who understand and accept you, hurts, scars and all!

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s