
I have been married for 18 years. I recently learned that for 14 of those years my husband was involved with porn, webcams, and had a number of on online affairs. He also went to strip clubs and massage parlours. We’ve been working through the fallout from all of this with an addictions counsellor.
My husband regrets the choices he made, and the life he was living at that time. He has completely distanced himself from it all, and has recommitted himself to me. He would like us to renew our marriage vows – not necessarily publicly – but in a way and setting that would be meaningful for both of us. Part of me wants to say yes to this, but part of me is also hesitant. Can you help me to think this through?
I’m very sorry that this has been your story. Fourteen years of gaslighting and deception is a very long time!
From what you’ve said I have the impression that you want to rebuild your relationship with your husband (as long as he doesn’t go back to his old life again). From that perspective, I can see that it could, perhaps, make sense to formally recommit yourselves to each other. But I also sense a hesitancy on your part. And, I would argue, a legitimate and understandable hesitancy.
I’m wondering how long it is since you learned all of this. Certainly, I wouldn’t recommend any kind of formal recommitment ceremony if the time was less than a year. Even a year might be rushing things a little.
It is true that formally recommitting yourselves might provide some kind of closure on the past. It could be a point in time that you could both look back to – that helps to establish a new beginning. And that could be powerful; it could be a good thing.
But perhaps you’re also thinking that words in themselves don’t necessarily mean, or prove, anything. You’ve been here before. You’ve made promises before. And your husband broke those promises. Which means you now know he could break them again.
That is a reality you can’t ignore. You can’t, nor should you, forget the past. Remembering is protective; it has survival value.
So here are some questions to maybe think about, as you try to figure out the right thing for you:
1. If you’re being totally honest with yourself, what would you say the main reason is for your hesitancy? Can you sum it up in a sentence or two?
Is it because you don’t trust your husband fully? (Do you have major doubts about his ability to choose to stay faithful to you in the future)?
Related to this, what tells you that your husband is a different person now? What is the basis for that trust? (Try to be concrete and specific here). What do you need in order to be able to let the walls down, and to trust him more fully?
2. Do you feel your husband gets what it has been like for you? Does he allow you talk about the impact it has had, and to do that as often as you need to talk about it? Alternatively, do you feel he sometimes tries to shut you down, or discourages you from bringing the subject up (even if it’s in very subtle ways)?
3. Do you feel your husband’s remorse is genuine? Do you feel he truly wishes he had made quite different choices? Do you think he would go back to his old life again if he thought that you would ‘turn a blind eye to it’, or if thought he wouldn’t lose you (and perhaps his family)?
4. Is the recommitment something you are doing for yourself … or is for your husband … or, even, other people? Do you feel under pressure to say “yes” to this?
5. Is it a matter of the timing being wrong? It is something you might do at a later date – but at the moment you’re not ready to take that step?
6. What would you gain by renewing your vows? How would doing this formally be meaningful to you?
Only you can decide what is right for you. And, at the end of the day, you need to listen to your heart. You need to quieten the voices and demands of other people, and do what you want, and feel comfortable with.