Quote of the Day

“Healing is the unlearning of stories you’ve told to yourself, about yourself, that destroy your spirit.” – Rebecca Ray

We eat such lies when we’ve been betrayed.

And in our heart of hearts we believe that they are true.

But they’re not true at all.

These beliefs are merely fictions.

And you may feel that they’re true – but they don’t reflect your value.

They’re really false conclusions based on painful messages.

Wrong messages from people who have issues of their own.

So, don’t listen to those stories; they do not reflect your value.   

Don’t let some other person decide what you are worth.

For the truth is you are beautiful, and strong, and capable.

Don’t let the lies destroy you.

Replace them with the truth.

Keep Fighting

“This is for the ones who are struggling right now. This is for the ones who have been having a rough day, or week, or year. The ones who feel like this storm will never end. Keep fighting for YOU. Not for your friends, not for your family, but for YOU.

Keep fighting because deep down you hold a tiny voice that you were meant for far more than this sadness and pain you are feeling.

Keep fighting because the person you will be on the other side of all of this is cheering for you so much.

Keep fighting because you will get there.

And it will be worth it.”

– Nikki Banas

I want you to know it will be worth it.

I want you to know that YOU are worth it.

Keep on believing as an act of self-love.

Keep on fighting as an act of self-care.

You will turn a corner and you’ll find your life has changed.

It is absolutely worth it.

You will get there in the end.

Not Knowing

Sometimes we don’t know the way we should go.

We don’t know if we should take the fork to the right, or to the left.  

We don’t know what will happen if we go to the right, or to the left.

That is the nature of life.

You take one faltering step. Then another faltering step.

Sometimes you sit down. And rest. Or wait.

Sometimes direction comes, and sometimes it doesn’t.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could always feel confident that the decision we were making was the right one?

That the direction we were going was the best one for us?

That whatever we did next would have the most successful outcome?

That we could confidently grasp the pen, and write out a great next chapter. With a great outcome. And a heroic ending.

If only that were possible.

If only it were that easy.

But it isn’t that easy.

Often we don’t know what to do. We don’t know where to turn, or which road to take.

So, perhaps, it’s not surprising that we often feel anxious.

But, really, you don’t need to have it all figured out.

You don’t need to know the end from the beginning.

All you need to do is to trust yourself.

To be patient. To take the pressure off yourself.

And to be willing to risk it.

And to take the next small step.

Just for Now

Imagine life without the painful thoughts being stuck on ‘repeat’ and replaying in your mind.

Imagine a peaceful, contented state where you lie back in the sun, and soak up its soothing rays.

Imagine simply resting.

With no anxiety.

With no struggle or resistance.

With no triggered memories.

Oh, wouldn’t it be lovely to set aside that load, and to mindfully inhabit the present.

Just for Now.

 

Holding on to painful memories is like clutching burning coals and hoping they won’t burn you – though, of course, we know they will.

Sometimes we cannot help it. The unconscious takes control. Emotions overwhelm us and the past resurfaces.

But maybe we can break out of that prison for a while.

We haven’t healed completely.

There is still work to be done.

But maybe – for this moment – we can let the weight slip off

And wallow in the lightness.

And the freedom.

Just for Now.

Does Betrayal Change How You Feel About Your Spouse?

“Does betrayal change how you feel about your spouse?”

I’m pretty sure I know the answer to that question.

It is clear. Life can never be the same again. So, of course, it changes the relationship.

It also changes how you feel about your spouse.

Everyone is different in the changes they might list; but below are five areas I’d definitely include:

1. Betrayal leads to a loss of respect: Most of us respected our partner or spouse. After all, we chose them, and we fell in love with them. There was something we were drawn to. There was something we admired. There was something that was more than just chemistry, or sex.

However, respect disappears in the blink of an eye when you learn that your partner’s betrayed your trust and love.

2. Betrayal leads to a loss of trust: Trust is destroyed when your partner cheats on you. It’s not just the betrayal. It’s the fact you were deceived.

How on earth can you feel safe if your partner lies to you. In your mind, they’re just a cheat, and you cannot trust their word.

3. Betrayal can unleash hidden feelings of resentment: Typically, we women will juggle many plates. We take care of the family, and stay on top of things. We remember all the birthdays. We buy and wrap the gifts. We take care of appointments. We organize events.

But after a betrayal, we won’t just do it all. And especially when it comes to our partner’s family.

4. We struggle more with anger when we have been betrayed: In the past, when minor issues would annoy or irritate, we’d choose to let them go, or we’d quietly bite our tongue.

But things are different now. We are on a shorter fuse. What else would you expect when they’ve treated you like that.

5. Being affirmed by our partner doesn’t matter much at all: I think it’s fair to say that in the past we might have hoped our partner would have noticed and commented on things – like if we’d bought new clothes, or had cooked a special meal.

But once we’ve been betrayed, we’re indifferent. We don’t care. We’ve no desire to please them. We’re pleasing ourselves now.

“‘It was a mistake,’ you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you.”

David Levithan

Project Hope

“All is not as it should be.

But all is as it is.

And as it is

we can still see wishes in stars

and new leaves sprouting on trees

and shapes in the clouds

and silver webs with tiny owners

and flowers tilting toward warm sunlight

and love in our children’s eyes

and hope in the mirror.

Yes, it is as it is.

But it is also what we make it.”

L.R.Knost

 

So, no matter how despairing or desperate you feel,

No matter what has happened, or how dark the future seems,

Lift your eyes, and look around you.

Notice all the signs of spring.

Those beautiful reminders that life can be reborn –

Despite the bleakest winters and the coldest, harshest storms.

Quote of the Day

Loving yourself starts with respecting yourself, and love shouldn’t equal pain.

If the person you love is breaking your heart and causing you to live in anxiety then that isn’t love at all.

Remember that.

“Honey, you are sacred land. Choose your travellers wisely.”

Della Hicks-Wilson

Perhaps It Isn’t Over Until It’s Over

In Thinking, Fast and Slow Daniel Kahneman explains how our view of our life, and our close relationships, is determined by something called the Peak End Rule.

That is, the way we end up feeling about people, and our life, is not some kind of average of the moments we have lived, or the times that we have shared, or experienced with them.

You know … the most memorable vacations, then the boring humdrum times, securing that fab job, falling deeply in love, the birth of all our kids, losing someone we had loved … or, perhaps, separating if we learn we’ve been betrayed.

If we add all these together, you have an average life. Right?

Wrong.

It seems our overall rating of how our life has been, and the way we rate our partner and the years we’ve spent with them – is not simply an average of these moments and these years.

And, no, the good times and the bad times don’t cancel themselves out.

In summary, The Peak-End Rule reveals that final ratings will be based on an average of just two distinct experiences. These are:

1. The worst or the most positive experience we’ve had, and
2. The intensity of pain, or the pleasure we feel at the end of an event, or a relationship.

You see this principle at work all the time in sports.

For example, where a game is turned around when a player scores a goal – and we thought all hope had gone, and the team were going to lose. But now we’re super happy and the game’s a huge success.

You can see this principle at work in your own life, too.

For example, cast your mind back thorough the years and review the time you’ve spent with your partner or your spouse (or with someone else you’ve loved).

Do you look back on those years and then balance out events? Or did something major happen so other memories are erased, or are deleted, or rewritten in light of this event?

But maybe there’s good news …

Because our life is one long story, we may still all have the chance to take hold of the pen and decide what happens next. We could script a better ending, one that’s meaningful and good. This is not the final chapter. You still have time to write.

Keep Going

• No matter how awful things seem right now
• No matter how devastated you are
• No matter how desperate and hopeless you feel
• No matter how pointless and bleak things seem
• No matter how empty and weak you feel
• No matter how tired and worn out you are
• I promise you, one day you’ll find that things have changed
• Keep going – though it’s hard – you are stronger than you think.

When Truth is Stranger than Fiction

The following is based on actual events …

For 25 years Karen absolutely knew that she was the centre of her parents’ world. How wonderful it was to be loved like that.

And they’d always been her rock … when the mean girls had been mean …  when she’d lost her confidence, and had zero self-esteem.

And they’d raised a glass with her when her hopes and dreams came true, and she won a scholarship to the university.

But a strange thing had occurred at that time in Karen’s life. She couldn’t get a loan or a credit card at all. Further digging then revealed her credit rating had been trashed – which didn’t quite make sense since she’d never been in debt.

Fast forward several years to a hospice in her town, when Karen said goodbye – way too early – to her mom. She felt her heart would break at this devastating loss, and wondered how on earth she was going to survive.

But in time she found the strength to go back and help her Dad to sift through all the stuff that was left in her mom’s room. There were clothes and jewelry; there were books and photographs; and also a locked safe with surprising documents …

These documents revealed a stolen, false identity which Karen’s mom had used to amass extensive debts.

And the debts were linked to Karen. It was absolutely true. Yes, her mom had used her name – and had hidden everything.

No, it must be a mistake.  She would never have done that. And, yet, here was the proof. It was clear for all to see.

But what did all this mean? Was her childhood one big lie? She felt sick and confused. Who on earth had her mom been?

I think that many partners experience the same thing when they first learn the truth of their partner’s secret life. They can’t believe their ears. It is shocking beyond words. They never thought their spouse would have hurt them in this way.

And what about the past? Was it all fantasy? Was any of it real? Has their whole life been a lie?

Perhaps we’ll never know. For we can’t tell what is true.

There are no grounds for trust when you’ve been deceived like this.