Things you Shouldn’t say to a Trauma Survivor

Many people cannot cope with another person’s pain. They do not want to know, and they cannot stand to hear. As a consequence of this, they will try to shut you down, and often they will do this by spouting platitudes. Pointless, empty words that can make you feel alone.

Examples include the following:

“Just let it go.”

“Are you over it yet?”

“Try to focus on the positives.”

“It’s going to be OK …”

“You still have so much to be thankful for.”

“At least you can be grateful that …”

“Fake it till you make.”

“I know how you feel.”

“Let me tell you what happened to me …”

“At least it’s not bad as what happened to X.”

“One day you’ll look back, and be grateful that it happened.”

“It will all work out for the best in the end.”

These cruel and thoughtless comments weave a web of toxic shame. They make it even harder to reach out for support. They leave you feeling judged. Written off. Misunderstood. When, really, all you want is to feel that someone cares. To find someone who’ll listen, and share the load with you.

Something to consider: “Trauma that is stored in the locked closets and cupboards of the subconscious mind continues to control from within, often without the survivor fully understanding what’s happening. The process of letting go can’t happen until those things are dragged into the light and fully processed. That means feeling uncomfortable feelings. It means grieving. It means giving yourself the kind of care and attention that no one else did. Sometimes, it means wallowing for a while.” – Vicki Peterson