An Interview with Sienna: A Survivor of Sexual Assault

“Recovering from sexual assault is scary as hell.”

I am a survivor of sexual assault. Although it is painful to share something so personal in a public setting, I feel it is important, and I’m proud of myself for taking this step.

People often ask me: “Do you ever get over something like this?”

And my answer is: “To be absolutely honest, it is always with you. I’m not sure the healing is ever complete. It’s a complicated, and on-going, journey.”

Sometimes I feel I’m back to being my normal self again, and then I’m triggered out of the blue, and I feel I’m a mess again. Thankfully, that happens less frequently now.

One of the worst things for me is not being able to fully enjoy sex myself, or to watch sex in movies etc. Basically, what is normal, and healthy, and fun has become tainted by my experience. Anytime I’m in a sexually-charged situation my mind ‘does a thing’ and I feel like I’m disintegrating and losing touch with reality. I start to get a knot in my stomach, and I start to feel ugly … and terrified … and angry … I’m not sure if that makes sense to you, or not. It’s hard to describe – but you probably get my gist.

I guess what I’m saying is that being sexually assaulted has fundamentally changed who I am. Perhaps, on some level, it’s a wound that never heals.

But there is another side to this. I think I am stronger person today than I was before the sexual assault. It has helped me get in touch with my bravery and courage … and also with my empathy and compassion. I have an amazing heart for other people who have suffered. I’m like a mother bear. I feel angry at how they have been hurt, and damaged … and I want to protect them, and to be there for them, and to walk the journey of healing with them. I want them to know that this wasn’t their fault – just like I’ve learned that it wasn’t my fault. So, all of that is definitely positive!

From my experience I’ve also learned that you need to take your healing at your own pace. Yes, I allow myself to feel my feelings – but I don’t allow myself to get bogged down in them. I’ve learned how to drift in and out of painful times.

And although I recognize that there’s no formula for healing, I also know I won’t be broken forever. I’m going to continue working on myself, and I’m going to continue being there for others.

Life isn’t over after sexual assault – for I’ve shown to myself that I can take back my power.

And you can do, too.

“And here you are living, despite it all.” – Rupi Kaur

9 thoughts on “An Interview with Sienna: A Survivor of Sexual Assault

  1. This was a great post. And very brave of Sienna to talk about her experiences with sexual assault. It’s very motivating how Sienna refuses to let an event like this completely break their spirit. Thank you for sharing and for the honesty ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This rings so true

    Not being able to fully enjoy sex or watch sex in movies, what is normal for others and fun for others is tainted

    I never held hands after my college betrayal, never was capable of intimacy after that

    I had a complete childhood of abuse before my trauma

    I have not been able to trust a partner in a relationship since college

    We survive but the aftermath is painful

    Navigating people and life become problematic

    We have a hard time planning anything or I do

    Like

  3. You had a rough experience but I praise the Lord that you are healing and are encouraging others. May the Lord continues to strengthen and keep as you continue to be an inspiration to others. I am blessed and encouraged by all your posts. They are well done.

    Like

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