Honestly, Betrayal can Take Over your Life

Dealing with the trauma that accompanies betrayal is utterly exhausting. It takes over your life.

There’s the constant triggering that sets intense emotions swirling. The adrenalin is surging and our mind won’t be switched off.

“How could he have betrayed me?”

“Did he never really love me?”

“And what if he regresses and goes back to his old ways?”

“This must affect my health. I’m sure the stress is killing me.”

“How can, or should, I trust him?”

And on and on it goes …

And then there’s all the talking. The hours of therapy. The pain that this unleashes. The anger and the rage. The cauldron of emotions is now at its boiling point. It’s venomous and toxic …

Yet healing flows from it.

And then there’s all the knowledge we feel we must acquire. We read and read for hours, and check out videos. It’s good. It’s education. It helps us understand. It can be reassuring. We feel we’re not alone.

But, honestly, this isn’t how I want to live my days out. I don’t want to be focused on all these negatives. This heartache that consumes me … It’s not something I wanted.

I thought that love was simple – but it’s ruined everything.

17 thoughts on “Honestly, Betrayal can Take Over your Life

  1. First of all—I love the way this post is written—

    “The cauldron of emotions is now at its boiling point. It’s venomous and toxic …
    Yet healing flows from it.”

    The crescendo of this ‘boiling point’…and then the softening ease…

    There came a turning boiling point for me last year when I finally stopped asking “why he did this to me” and just said “he did this.” Because he would have done it with or without me…to anyone. I accept it.

    And I am not saying that it makes it any easier—however, it did shift me into a healing process that is so beautiful. Now, I wouldn’t change a thing because I have grown so much from the experience! The poison is the antidote. I drink poison for breakfast.

    Thank you always for your wisdom. I love reading your posts! 💚

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.
      Your comment: ” he would have done it with or without me…to anyone” is a powerful statement. Yes, it can be hard to get to the place where we actually believe it is true … but it is the absolute truth. Also, I think when we REALLY can see that for ourselves, we actually end up with a more secure identity … because it isn’t based on how other people treat us. Thanks for sharing this NZain! Have a great weekend 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • My pleasure. Thank you for graciously receiving them.
        The only control we have over the way other people treat us—is the way we allow them to treat us. And if we ask to be treated differently—and they don’t—or they get angry; we have our answer.

        And the joy when it is well received—because let’s give each other the benefit of doubt we may overstep and step on toes—working through our own attachment missteps. This is how we build trust and soften our defenses. Not all men are like “him” I have to tell myself. And at the same time, I do thank “him” for as you write when we know what love is not…

        Love is NOT just a feeling that fades-away with one to move on to another. That’s unconscious lust out of one’s control. The addiction looking for the hit. Oh but real self-control is soooo attractive! Trustworthy. So to recognize it in another I better be able to see it within myself. A secure identity. Yes. 😊

        Like

      • I agree with you 100%. The only control we have over others is how we allow them to treat us. Of course, when we love and are attached to someone everything is muddied, and enforcing those boundaries can be painful for us. But it is also necessary.
        It sounds like you have done masses of work on yourself. Your comments are so insightful! Thanks for everything you share here ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes…love and unhealthy attachment muddles everything!

        What if for the sake of love we could actually (and perhaps as a conscious practice with each other) detach from the one we love. Sacrifice one pain for another. My friend and I recently had this conversation because we knew we were both muddled up with our own past attachment wounds. The lenses were dirty and boundaries were unclear. We each needed to step away and regain perspective.

        Our own internal compasses needed to be recalibrated. And I can tell you that I was like an addict in withdrawal. It hurt. Bad. On many levels. But once my nervous system relaxed and I could step away…

        Absolutely necessary. We need to see the gorgeous wholeness in ourselves and in the other person—without needing to immediately insert ourselves. This is respect. And what happens next—I have no idea! Lol! But I am willing to give life a chance to find out. This is new and unknown territory for me. Now attachment has a very different meaning to me. 💚

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve done this in friendships too. I’ve realized I’ve had expectations, and drawn conclusions, which were really related to what had happened in other attachment relationships. Hence, the best way forward was to detach which … as you found … is difficult and painful. But it was freeing and life-giving in the end. Wise words NZain!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. So where does betrayal rank when

    Your mate cheats in college, goes into a frat house drunk and alone with a guy, then things get out if hand and she gets gang-raped on a small campus.

    It becomes the talk of the campus, everyone knows.

    How do you handle this?

    Public sexual shame is very corrosive

    I have questions about how her life turned out

    Being cheated on, you have no say, no control but your makes actions have great impact on your being

    Liked by 1 person

      • This was a long-buried event, I buried it below my childhood even.

        Remember I have a childhood of serious physical and emotional abuse that I brought into college with me.

        I have spent my waking moments trying to process and integrate this.

        Until this betrayal appeared I had improved and calmed my fight it flight mechanism so life was not great but good

        I could navigate life, anxiety was there, uncomfortable was there but life had its hybrid joy

        Depression was not a big issue before my college betrayal erupted

        The situation is complex, you have a betrayal, a young girl getting drunk, sneaking off to have sex, then something horrific happened.

        As you at 20 and together a year, holding hands, getting ice cream seemed like a fairytale.

        She was my first girlfriend my father would not let me have a girlfriend because it would mess up my baseball career

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Like you I could not believe it. I was being ridiculed also from the bragging. She had went into a rival, much hated frat house

    She was a target and did not realize it

    My thoughts

    I see where my triggers and lack if trust come from

    I never trusted a woman in a relationship again..

    If I had it to do over some frat guys would be dead

    I can not find any literature any guy who has experienced this

    My therapist says literature does not exist

    So it is shameful and isolating

    I want to know how and why she did this and why she lied and lied about it

    Why did she come back?

    After having sex with 15 guys you are going to come back to me and act like nothing happened.

    I am scarred by finding out hearing frat guys brag about pulling a train in my girlfriend

    What guy gets publicly shamed for his girlfriends sexual exploits?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for touching on both aspects of how betrayal can consume your life. It’s both the space it takes up emotionally (trauma, anger, sadness, etc.) and the often unspoken of time-suck to heal. I had a very full, enriching life before DDay. There are many things I would have loved to do with the hundreds of hours I’ve spent in therapy since then. That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten anything out of the therapy, but there are many other ways I would have preferred to spend that time.

    Liked by 1 person

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