How Can I be Sure he isn’t Cheating on me?

Proving a negative is really difficult. And especially if he has deceived you before, and you had no idea he was cheating on you.  

So how do you know if he’s gas lighting you today? Here are some things you should watch out for:

1. He starts to do unpredictable, and unexpected, things. We usually have a pretty good idea of what is normal for our partner and spouse. We know their different patterns. We know their changing moods. We know the way they act, and their likes and dislikes. This means that even a small change could sound a warning bell for us – and especially if the changes start to mount up over time.

For example, changes in how often he’s away from the home. Changes in the effort he puts into his appearance. Changes in the way he seems to use his phone today (perhaps he’s changed his password, and deletes all messages.)  

However, many partners are experienced at keeping up an act, and are great at making sure you don’t know what they are doing.

Note: One in five men has a secret email account they use to hide correspondence from their partner.[1]

2. He’s over-complimentary about your appearance, sense of humour, work achievements and so on. This can happen if he’s trying to throw you off the scent, and it also makes sense if you stop and think about it. If he’s making you look great in the eyes of other people, and it stroking your ego so you feel loved and secure then it’s likely you’ll will be blind to the fact that he is cheating.

Also, if praising you is very out of character for him, then it could be a sign that you need to stay alert. However, there is always the chance that it is genuine as well. Who knows!

3. He appears to be more distant, and less interested in you. You might start to notice that he’s pulling away more, and appears to be more distant from the family in general. You might be getting the sense he doesn’t care about you. This could point to his interest being focused somewhere else. This includes a lack of interest in sex and intimacy.

However, if he’s avoidant anyway, and has generally been poor at being sensitive, caring, understanding, and empathic, you might be hard pressed to notice any change, or difference.

4. He seems to pick more fights with you. This can be driven by feelings of guilt. But sometimes straying partners are more argumentative, sensitive, ill-tempered, and quick to take offense as a ploy to create distance, and throw you off the scent.  Why? It gives him an excuse to disengage, and go elsewhere.

5. He hangs out with friends who have cheated on their partner. Often, we choose friends who have similar values, or will validate our actions and the choices we have made. Of course, we can’t control our friends but it can be an indication of how he regards cheating, or pornography.

Note: Research has shown that nearly 80% of men who cheat have a close friend who cheated[2].

6. You feel unsettled and uneasy. Often, we getting a feeling in our gut when there’s something going on. And a woman’s intuition often senses when he’s lying. He may have covered his tracks well but if your instinct says “watch out” then listen to your instinct – as most often it is right. Take disconcerting feelings and suspicions seriously. You owe it to yourself to check out sinister feelings.



21 thoughts on “How Can I be Sure he isn’t Cheating on me?

  1. Thank you for your post Hope. I think communication is so very important. There also should be a level of transparency in the relationship. Especially if there’s suspicion. If a password is changed update the spouse for example he or she may just have forgotten his password. If the couple has been apart for a very long time, the suspected spouse might just want to show appreciation and Love to the spouse they missed. I know you have another article about building trust. Both partners should jump at doing whatever it takes to gain trust, not brush it off, not taking it lightly. This is serious. The suspecting partner shouldn’t have to suffer.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Communicate communicate communicate… Don’t keep suspicion around as a friend. It’s not. If there’s anything in the past especially, if they choose to stay together, Kindness and transparency along with true forgiveness and communication. No mind reading. Communicate with Love open heart and sensitivity. Patience and understanding. Love.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. How can you ever be sure?

    How can you trust after being betrayed publicly

    How can a mate even think of getting you ridiculed for their aberrant sexual behavior

    What do you do,with the stars

    For me I never trusted fully ever again

    The feeling of being vulnerable and having no idea what love is after a brutal betrayal, haunts me

    I am better at being alone

    Love is something that I have no idea what it is or how do you trust.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Not everyone SHOULD be trusted again because not everyone is trustworthy. And when you have been deeply wounded and betrayed (and often that leaves us feeling humiliated too) then trusting anyone is incredibly hard. You didn’t deserve this. You deserved to be honoured, and cherished, and cared for.
      I can definitely see why you would feel it is better to simply be alone.
      Those wounds go deep, and are hard to heal.

      Liked by 4 people

      • The scar
        Yes humiliated for me

        I had an entire fraternity at a small college brag about pulling a train on my girlfriend

        I have never recovered

        Never trusted a woman again

        My loss I know

        Liked by 1 person

      • She was pinned to me for a year and a half

        She went into the rival frat house

        She lied about it

        Came back to me and acted like nothing happened

        I learned by hearing them brag about it

        They destroyed two lives

        She was never the same

        She left school

        Hope karma wreck their lives

        People would go to jail

        I have never been the same

        We ate at same cafeteria and went to class amongst them

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sadly, even when you can’t continue on with a cheater, the taint follows you, to any new relationships. You work hard to both do due diligence, whilst not being a needy, overbearing, untrusting person, and try to leave the past indiscretions with the perpetrator. Not easy. In my experience, my trusting nature is still intact, but certainly has been severely dented. I find it really hard to ask the hard questions, about whether my trust is justified, without feeling jealous and controlling, neither of which I have ever been.

    But, for the purposes of self care, ask those questions you must. Thankfully, this person is very understanding of my right to discuss expectations, and be transparent with me. Even about his past.

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is one of the really distressing things about having been betrayed: it follows you into all your future relationships. It’s hard to be able to trust and again, and it’s hard to feel safe again. As soon as you relax into the relationship, you wonder if you’re being foolish and should really be on your guard. ‘Such a difficult legacy to leave behind.
      Yes, you have to ask those questions. It’s an act of self-respect and self-care … but it’s not the way you wanted things to be. I’m so glad your partner is understanding. He sounds like a really great guy.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. One can survive a betrayal. In the early years of our marriage my husband ran around and unknown to us got two different women pg. I knew he was running around, left him three times but after a massive heart attack at 26 I decided to stick with him. Our lives changed after the heart attack, he stopped running around. We had no children and was married 12 years when we had our first. That second major change changed him even more. He had become a believer at 13 but did not grow in the Lord but knew in his heart what he did was so wrong. Fast forward, I became a believer at 35 after our second child, we were settled and started going to church. God super involved, finding God filled the hole in my heart that my husband, children, house, good job, etc could not fill. Fast forward…several years later we are in Papua New Guinea and a man contacted us and told my husband I think you are my father. He was…that whole time was one of growing in forgiveness, being honest, finding out God would still use our past to help others. The story is not over. We are stateside now, and about three years ago, a child from a second affair he had popped up. I was not surprised just as I was not at the first one. As my husband would tell you, he was a man of no character back in those rough years. But he is now and that is all that matters. We have met the son, not the daughter yet. I tell you this to say, all the things you wrote about are true signs. Good post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow. That’s amazing. I also believe some people change. Not all – but some do. Your story is a real testimony … not least of all because of your ability to trust your husband after his heart attack. I’m not sure how easy I would have found it to accept the daughter and son he fathered. That takes a lot of grace. Thanks so much for sharing this.

      Liked by 1 person

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