I Think I’m Going Crazy

A girl who has lived through trauma has lived through a situation where her body, her mind, her self was not her own. Where she felt disjointed, ripped from her self, safety, and sanity. It was a moment, an experience, a something where her trust was smashed, her worth was gone, and all there was was pain.” – Victor Second

You’ve startled awake again at 3am. You’re shaking like a leaf. Sweat is pouring off your skin. You’re gripped by strong feelings of anxiety and fear, and you remember how you felt when you learned of the betrayal. The sudden punch in your stomach. Being curled up in shock. It’s déjà vu. You’ve been here so many times.

And now the adrenalin is surging and rushing through your veins. You’re completely awake; you’re on high alert.  You’re mad that other people will believe that you’re to blame. You feel all alone, and consumed by the pain.

This is how it feels if you’ve been traumatized.  Other indicators might include the following:

1. Vivid images of the traumatic event will surface in your mind, often unexpectedly. This can happen at unwanted and inconvenient times. But pushing them away, or ignoring they are there, is usually unsuccessful, and only makes things worse.

2.  Your emotions fluctuate. They’re intense and they’re extreme. They can switch from rage … to sadness … to feeling desolate … to utter hopelessness … like a swinging pendulum. You might also feel depleted, empty, tired and numb.

3. You’re cautious and suspicious, and you startle easily. You can’t let down your guard, and you never can relax. That carefree ‘you’ has gone. She’s a distant memory.

4.  Your self-esteem’s been crushed and you’ve lost your confidence. You feel that you have failed. You feel worthless and ashamed. You think you’re deeply flawed, and you never will belong.

5. You avoid all the reminders that reignite the pain – including listening to some songs, gifts he gave you, photographs, or visiting some places, favourite bars and restaurants.

You haven’t lost your mind. You are reeling from the pain, the gaslighting and grief that have torn your world apart. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It is understandable.

Something to consider … “Believing that you are going crazy is a good clue that you are sane!” 

19 thoughts on “I Think I’m Going Crazy

  1. I’ve found number 1 to be particularly true. The vivid images (of past trauma),that come up at odd times. only persist if you try to push them out or numb them. As a PTSD survivor (Vietnam vet) told me: “Don’t fight them, but let them pass over you instead—like a sudden storm.”

    In this era of, “blame the victim,” gaslighting becomes even harder to overcome. My solution was to get far away from the person who devalued and hurt me. I reconnected with family and friends who truly loved me for who and whose I am.

    If you’re reading this, it’s not too late. I survived betrayal trauma and so can you!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Yes, fighting and attempting to repress the images usually backfires and intensifies flashbacks.
      Also, being with people who love us, see us as we really are, and treat us well, helps with our recovery.
      Thanks so much for these comments, and for sharing from your experience, David!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Thanks for sharing. Just reading some of those signs made me tense. Past trauma still hits me unexpectedly, but I’ve learned to manage the triggers. My prayers are with you as you journey through the pain.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your definitely right. I have experienced it and eveyday I am thanking God for protecting me and letting me survive it.

    It was so hard to get over it but one day you will.

    To everyone who is dealing and experiencing this at the moment. There will come a time that it will pass but you have to be strong and make a decision to look after yourself. It is hard but you can make it through.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I just went through this and was hospitalized because of it. I was released two days ago now I don’t feel like I’m going crazy I just feel angry. I don’t know how to cope with this emotion I’m not used to it. I know that sounds weird. But I experienced everything here.. and am left feeling like now what?

    Like

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