Boundaries 101

“She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life.”

When your partner is battling a sex addiction, establishing boundaries is absolutely crucial. They are not going to silence all your doubts and fears, but they do give a sense of accountability. They are a fundamental part of re-establishing some trust (although, let’s be honest, that’s going to take years).

Essentially, boundaries are important as they help protect our relationships from becoming unsafe.

So, what might boundaries look like to you?

– Insisting that your partner or spouse regularly sees a counsellor

– Insisting that your partner or spouse has an accountability partner

– Insisting that you are the person who has administrative rights for the family computer

– Having all the passwords to your partner or spouse’s laptop, phone and devices

– Having your partner or spouse remove all dating apps from their ipad and phone, and insisting he deletes any accounts with companies like sex.com or Ashley Maddison

– Insisting you have the freedom to check your partner or spouse’s messages and texts anytime you want

– Having access to all his bank accounts – and going through statements together each month

– Going through credit card statements together each month

– Having your partner or spouse be accountable for his time – so you know where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing, anytime you are apart

– Requiring your partner or spouse to break off all contact with anyone he has had a previous relationship with

– Requiring your partner or spouse to tell you if someone from a previous relationship ever tries to contact him.

Some of these suggestions might seem a bit extreme, but it all comes down to your peace of mind. And there are other boundaries you might want to put in place, specific to your relationship. (These different boundaries might change as time goes on.)

Don’t hesitate to ask for what you want.

Boundaries are crucial. They are at the heart of every healthy relationship.”

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