“I am who I am. Your approval isn’t needed.”
True? Yes, true!
But kind of not true as well.
Your approval isn’t needed –
But it meant something to me.
The Rich and Beautiful
There’s a reason why we flick through all those glossy magazines and linger over photos, and read the interviews.
We want the scoop on famous people who’ve succeeded in some way. The film stars, politicians, great musicians, and so on.
It’s something to aspire to – and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Or, perhaps it simply highlights we’re instinctively intrigued by people who have made it, and are living out the dream.
But, of course, this also forces stark comparisons as well.
We’re not those kinds of people. They can make our life look bland.
This doesn’t really matter when we’re talking about ‘stars’. We aren’t in their league; we know we’ll never have their lives.
Bringing it Closer to Home
But when it comes to my small circle, then I want to feel I’m loved. I want to feel I matter, and that someone values me.
This is absolutely normal.
But why is that the case?
Why should I even care what other people think of me?
What the Research Shows
The research indicates it’s rooted in biology. To have a sense of self, and to believe we’re valuable, we need to have key people who communicate our worth.
It is something that is programmed – as the following quote reveals[1]:
“Very early in life, parents’ responsiveness to their babies affects the development of self-confidence and self-esteem.
It takes little effort to summon a picture of a doting parent responding to a baby with loving noises, engaged chattering, focused attention, and cuddling.
Baby smiles, parent smiles back. As the infant matures, parents continue to respond and mirror what the baby is doing.
Parental mirroring through early childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood communicates acceptance, acknowledgement, and admiration.
This contributes significantly to the development of self-esteem and self-confidence.”
I would argue that this need continues throughout all of life. (Although it doesn’t matter quite as much in adult life.)
But, still, the way we notice people in those magazines might hint at a deep need that is a very human need.
The Impact of Rejection and Betrayal
These communicate a message, and a very painful one.
They say there’s something wrong with you – at least that’s how it feels.
They say that “I’ve lost interest”.
That “You’re not quite good enough.”
They say “I wanted something else, or something more than you.”
Why does this Matter?
Why? Our partner mattered to us. So, we wanted them to think that, somehow, we were special.
Good enough.
More than enough.
We wanted their approval.
And they gave it for a while.
But then they sent the message that
“You’re not quite good enough”.
[1] https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/effects-of-parental-involvement-on-self-confidence-and-self-esteem-0716134
Very wise, and a very necessary post.
Let us also keep in mind our facial expressions when we look at our loved ones.
By the love that shows in our faces, our beloved ones know that they are loved. 😊
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That’s a really good point. We are reflecting people’s worth and value back to them all the time. It’s important we reflect back love …
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I think sometimes it would be interesting to see ourselves on video to see our expressions when we look at people.
Children, especially, are extremely sensitive to the expressions on their parents’ faces. 😊
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Yes, wouldn’t it be interesting if we could have a camera capture all our nonverbal cues throughout a whole day, and then to sit back and observe for ourselves. I think it would be helpful and enlightening 😊
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Yes, an excellent project. Sounds like a good research project for someone.😁
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Thank you so much,well articulated.The whole problem begins with comparisons and we feel inferior, hence expect approval From both in the home and outside.
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Yes. Comparisons can be so destructive. Thanks for highlighting this 🙂
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What a perfect summary of contentment! I love the wisdom I’m reading here; keep going!
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Thank you for the kind words 🙂 I appreciate you reading and commenting on the post.
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I’m recording a song with local songwriter Ben Tucker this weekend titled “Don’t Lose Hope”. Your blog will add depth to the track.
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Cool. I hope it goes well 🙂
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Thanks for sharing. Our sense of self-worth and self-value stems majorly from our upbringing. If both are present in one’s life,then one can keep moving ahead no matter how others feel or think. Their opinion regardless.
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Such an important post.. looking into an empty mirror leaves us feeling so invisible and soul less. We can go on the search for that for years and must find the love inside that is, as we know, quiet some journey.
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Thank you for sharing this! You summed it up perfectly: looking into an empty mirror leaves us feeling invisible and soulless, and that can send us on a painful, fruitless search for years.
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Yes I wrote earlier in my blogging journey about the inverted mirror must share that one again… we get mirrored back distorted perceptions of ourselves especially when dealing with narcissists..
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